“My dad was kind, affectionate, selfless, and giving. He was also ahead of his time, a man who realized that what he did in the home greatly impacted what my mom could do outside the home.”
These words, shared by Dr. Kate Mangino for her father’s eulogy, caused me to pause and reflect on how I can be great for my wife and children.
The Evolution of Masculinity in Relationships
Women are earning the same or more in almost half of American households. As society continues to evolve, so do the men committed to healthy relationships.
Traditionally, the mental load has fallen disproportionately on women, but a growing number of men like me recognize that caring for our partners includes sharing the mental load of managing the home.
According to Equimundo’s State of America’s Fathers 2023 report, more men are now actively sharing the mental load in their relationships and contributing to more balanced and equitable partnerships.
Understanding the Mental Load
The mental load (or cognitive labor) refers to the planning, organizing, and coordinating tasks necessary to manage a household and family life. Unlike physical chores, which are visible and often have tangible outcomes, the mental load is invisible and can be mentally exhausting. It requires constant attention, memory, and multitasking, making it a continuous and demanding responsibility.
Equimundo’s report reveals that 72% of men today believe they should share the mental load equally with their partners. This is a significant shift from previous generations and highlights men’s growing awareness and willingness to contribute more equitably to household responsibilities.
The Impact of Sharing the Mental Load
Sharing the mental load has profound implications for marital satisfaction and overall family well-being. When both partners contribute to managing the household, it can reduce stress and prevent burnout.
Strategies for Sharing the Mental Load
Communication is Key
Open, honest, and regular communication about household responsibilities is essential. Regular household meetings, co-led by both partners to discuss schedules, chores, and finances, can help support the equal sharing of the mental load.
Establish Systems
I am a big believer in the Fair Play system because it supports couples to discuss the household chores and tasks together, relieving one spouse – which in heterosexual partnerships is usually a woman – of shouldering the mental load of managing the home.
Consider something as simple as grocery shopping. Whoever is responsible needs to keep the following in mind:
- Are there food allergies to consider?
- Does a family member have dietary restrictions (e.g., vegetarian)?
- When should you purchase fresh fruits and vegetables, and how many, to reduce the chances they go bad before someone eats them?
- How can you repurpose leftovers with a few fresh items to make new meals?
- When is the best time to go to the grocery store?
Use Tools and Technology
Utilizing digital tools like shared calendars, task management apps, and reminder systems can help both partners keep track of responsibilities and deadlines. These tools can alleviate the mental burden by providing a centralized system for organizing family life. We use Coexist.
Keep Evolving
My organization, Modern Husbands, created the Marriage Toolkit to help couples start, strengthen, and rebuild their marriage. Much of what we share are ideas for managing the home as a team.
Subscribe to the Modern Husbands newsletter for ideas on how to manage money and the home as a team, which is sent to your inbox every couple of weeks.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, an organization dedicated to sharing ideas on how to manage money and the home as a team.
